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Created:	12/26/1999
Category	Lawyer jokes
Language:	Engelsk

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have
to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket
scientist brains for $10 an ounce,
a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains
for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so
damned expensive?" The
doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of
brains?"

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two
questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion
concerning which of their
professions is actually the oldest profession.
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam
to create Eve and you
can't go back further than that."
The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he
created the world out of chaos
in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"
The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think
created the CHAOS??!!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying
to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with
him. He called his priest,his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's
$30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an
envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke
into tears and confessed that
he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new
baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I
only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a
new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm
ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my
envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for
the full $30,000."

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in
their own pockets."

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want
you to think the operation
was a failure."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The
first lawyer immediately
opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them
on.The second lawyer looked
at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

There was a young law student named Rex,
who had very small organs of sex.
When charged with exposure,
he said with composure:
"de minimis non curat lex."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer,
seeing that the doctor was a
little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip
flask.The doctor accepted
and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he
bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a
car at an intersection.
Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to
the accident report, you told
the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?"
Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked at my horse. He said
'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the
horse. He then came up to me
and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"

What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips are moving.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact
statement.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
The caterer.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When
they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to
represent a long-term client
accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted
and released. Excited about
his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior
partner replied in haste:
"Appeal immediately."